Miss

Today's Kakai's 1st death anniversary. We lost our baby girl due to inborn heart complications and it is the most heartbreaking part of my life. I've been in her resting place for quite a few times now but it still stings. Every time I'm there, I always get teary-eyed but I hold back my tears as I don't want them to see me like that. I don't want Kakai to see me cry. I don't know. Maybe my tears are the only proof for her of how much I love her but still, I don't want to cry there. It's hard as my heart is shatters into pieces, I can only get back together once I turn away. Every time I face her name, the flowers, the candles, I long for her baby face, baby arms and huge eyes. I wonder how long will I be like this every time we visit her. But really, I don't think I even want this feeling to fade. The pain I feel personifies her. It's the only feeling I know of her. Sucks, I know, but for this, it's better to be pain than nothing.
The questions I had last year are still not answered. I want those to be answered, of course, so I can have a clear head about what happened. But I have accepted that I don't think I will get that for now or in the near future. What I have now is the longing for Kakai and surprisingly, I'm good.

I will forever miss Kakai. It's something I'll always feel in this world and the next. And hopefully, no, I have to believe that, in the place where I'll be after here, she's there. Waiting for me.

Ate loves you so so much bebe!

I'm about to reach the end of my contract with my job. They told us we'll be regularized after 4 months but to keep the story short, that's not going happen. I am deeply concerned. This job raised me from the dumps of my deepest, dirtiest, loneliest feelings ever and now, what? What will happen to me? Will I shot back to the lowest point of my life? I don't want to and will do everything not to, but what if I can't help it? I'm scared. I don't want to be "nothing" again. I don't want to be a tragedy.

There's also the money thing, of course. Ma's working, which is okay, but Pa will be here next month and have no plans of working ever again. He doesn't like working. He's very welcoming of the fact that I'm done with college, my 2 brothers are almost done and now, he can just sit back and enjoy the rest of his life. I don't blame him. After years of working his ass off for us, he deserves that. I will gladly hand over a passport and a hat to him to take to a trip to a beach or something, if only I can. I will do everything for that to happen as I love my father to bits but I just don't like that fact that he kind of expects luxuries from us. Whatever. It's really hard to explain. Nevertheless, I love my family and I will do everything in my humble power to make them feel secure and all that shit.