5:10 in the morning. Waiting for the clock to hit 6 so I can log in at work to do some OT. I'm in my desk, typing this, obviously. The best friend's at the couch sleeping after stuffing ourselves with super unhealthy food, complaining about life and him schooling me on The Matrix.
Not right now, more like, this is how I open this entry up:
It's been 2 months since I wrote here and I have been trying to, really, for the past 3 weeks, but I just don't know where to begin. Quite frankly, I had an idea what this blog will be about for this year but a lot has happened, I don't know if I'll be able to be in detail here and even make sense really, but what the hell, here it goes..
Birthday month happened and I was thrilled. Nana and my cousin Jerby were here so I was in every mall in the metro for the first days of 2014. I also went to the Phoenix concert with Ella last January and oh man, it was so so so good.
Dinner with Kuya Xyruz at Mr. Kurosawa.
I have been craving for their Iwo Jima Pizza since!
L-R: Gian, Papa, Nana, Red and Mama.
.JPG)
Phoenix! <3
The birthday happened. Ding ding ding, hello 25th year of my existence! I had a party and yes, my parents organized it. It was sweet of them to have my friends over. I'm used to spending my birthdays alone and somewhere far but the way it went down this year was fun.
The birthday gang!
A week after my birthday, it was Chinese New Year and Dani's birthday so since we're cool (or so we think), we braved Binondo among hundreds of people and dragon dances to celebrate both events. I've been to Binondo a bunch of times but this is my first Chinese New Year there, so it was an experience.
I had dinners with almost everyone to anywhere. I was, or still am, busy eating and not getting much sleep. There's the usual drinking sesh with the gang, oh well, few of gang who had "life" turning situations for the past what, 5 months. Drinking makes you numb and happy - that's just what I need right now. I mean, I'm down with the self-care and making life after that trouble, but I need to somehow tune the feeling down sometimes. And drinking is so far the best way to do so.
I've also been engaging myself back to what I love - family, friends, movies, TV shows and books, and I'm keeping up. Not that I've abandoned them or anything, just keeping up with appreciating them more. All of my friends apparently has sepanx with each other and we're making the most out of it. We talk like, all day, every day with every communication app possible. It's crazy. My laptop and hard drives are full and I'm slowly making way through my stacked up books. I feel like I am myself again, you know.
After turning 25, really, I didn't feel much change or maybe it's just too early for me to say so. All I realized was 25 is when shit gets a little less cute.
I'm starting to feel the gravity of the responsibilities I should have looked in to ever since started working. I know I'm late with this, but I actually now have a financial list and app where I put in income and expenses and all that crap. It's good seeing the list and marking things I have already done, makes me comfortable in the sense that my money goes in to important stuff. I kind of miss getting shit I think I need but really don't though. I don't think anyone's ever really gotten over that feeling. I think I even said to Dani once that I'm feeling "make up deprived". I sincerely believe that that is a legit feeling and I need to do something about that soon. And by soon, I mean, 2 months from now.
Work is good. I mean it has gotten routinely - get to work at 6:00 am, cig break after an hour, lunch break at 10:00 am and go home by 2:00 am, but it's okay. No, not okay just... blah. I don't want to complain because really, I am compensated well with this job, better than most of my friends with their jobs even. But I am not challenged anymore, you know. There's nothing new and I'm not bragging here, but there's nothing to it that I don't know. I told myself that this year would be a "career year" for me, meaning, I'd work for my future with this company but I'm not seeing any light. It's a dead end job. I will be a proofreader for as long as I can, I think. And it sucks because I know I can do better than this, like with this company, I can manage people or even in a different field - I can do better. But it's like I'm stuck because 1. the money and I'm being accountable for it now. 2. it's not easy to get another job, regardless of what kind and 3. I'm trying to be the bigger person by sucking it all up for the sake of what's ahead of me.
I don't know how I'll keep up with this. I guess as long as it pays the bills. And I'm having fun with my officemates anyway. We don't get to have much interaction but you have to learn to appreciate the little things, like a cookie left at my desk by Joyce for breakfast, Pat's "Good morning, bbkong!" and Ate Rox's hugs. Those things make my life a little sweeter especially now.
As for myself and ahem, feelings - I'm not going to be a hypocrite and say that that thing that happened doesn't affect me anymore. Sadly, it still does. But not quite like how it was before. And I'm not in a hurry to feel any different. I'm aware now that this is the time for me to just let the questions be. And I can control myself now. Well, I have been controlling myself since this shit happened and I'm getting used to it - the pain and the heavy heart. I'm getting used to the silence. It's not that loud in my head anymore. There are moments, of course, but I learned how to breathe and just let it all out. Let out the air that contains the things unsolved in my heart and mind. I still need more time and patience and I'm always praying for the courage to pick myself up every day.
So that's it so far. I'm done with my OT and Carlo left like 2 hours ago. Must sleep for Aika and Fong's birthday barbecue later.
