Of 2014 And To More

It's as if it was just 2 weeks or so when I wrote about 2013 (dramatically, I might add) and now, I'm about to talk about how 2014 was to me. Time really does fly.

I've actually been putting off writing about 2014. I'm just not in the mood maybe, or like, I really don't know what to say. I find myself catching up with my thoughts when I'm down and at a lost for words when I'm happy. Can we file that under #writerproblems? Haha. It's pretty obvious that I've been struggling to keep up this blog with my life as it's happening too fast and yeah, you guessed it, I'm having fun. But I'm challenging myself now to write about the good stuff. It's much better, isn't it, to write about what's good in your life. I like the fact that it's in me until I die or probably even after but it somehow makes a lot more sense when I write it down and share it.

In my 2013 yearender post, my end note was 'Happiness is a choice'. And that's exactly what I chose for 2014.

This blog and my Instagram are fully aware of how things happened this 2014. I was out a lot. I usually don't like going out during weekdays but I learned not to mind that. I mean, it's always nice to spend time with people who matter, though, I think I kind of went overboard, but again, I didn't really care. It is exhausting but at the same time feels good. No one remembers their days at the office. No one. Well, except for the good days but I'd choose the movie nights, tambay/coffee catch ups and concerts (I was at 3 concerts this 2014, ccchyeaaah!) over that any time. 

Then there were my travels! It took my brothers, Chianne and I, almost a year to prep for our Indochina trip but it was worth it. I mean, come on, 4 countries in 10 days, that's something. Backpacking taught me a lot, as expected. It taught me to walk for how far just to save 2 dollars and appreciate my brothers and Chi more. It taught me though there's a language barrier, you can be understood with a smile and a simple nod. It taught me that the world is the home and that I should put more effort in to seeing it more. There was also the El Nido trip where it became evident that beautiful places are much more beautiful if you're with your friends. With traveling, I really believe that you can learn so much -  of the places, the people and of yourself. 

As for my yearly list of books and films, I was able to read 7 books and have watched 80 films for 2014. Honestly, those are bad numbers for me. I wanted to read and watch more but again, I was out a lot. Haha. I also became a part of something really cool and creative this year - BookBed. So far, I've written 3 articles for it and I'm excited to continue my part this 2015. 

Like I said before, this is the life I've always wanted, this is the life people get jealous of, everything that's happening at the moment is meant to happen and 2014 made me live that life more.

So for work, well, I have no work now. I don't see it as a downer though. Yeah, I have to find another job and that can mean I'm back to square one but I'm kinda relieved on being laid off. Don't get me wrong, I loved being there and I miss Pat, Joyce and Ate Rox everyday. I can do whatever and whenever, but it has to, at least, fulfill me. That job wasn't really doing that anymore. It has been disheartening and have been all about the money. I am, however, so far, handling funemployment pretty well. I've done interviews and just taking my time. 

As for the entirety of my friends, I feel like we're really growing up, though sometimes we question ourselves if we are really growing up. We're being adults, in a way, like as far as what what we've been through or what we're going through individually, it not foolishly easy anymore. Like with love, we would have conversations and experiences about it over and over and now, we're realizing that it's not just about that, but more on having a commitment to someone. Hell, some of them are even married now and having kids. It's sad in a way that a mom would say play time's over to a child but exciting cause maybe we're ready for the big things.

To my friends, thanks for growing up with me. The coming years may give us heaps of those big things but we all have each others' backs, that's for sure. I love you. 

My family also experienced a huge change this year as my youngest brother went to Dubai for work. We are a very close-knit family and I think with Red leaving, of course it's sad but it just brought us all closer, you know, to compensate the space left behind. I am proud of him for taking that step. And proud of my whole family for going through this change still strong.

Mama, Papa, Gian and Red, I love you. Thanks for always believing in me. Thanks for always being there.   

I'm really not a New Year's resolution type of a person but I was drunk last year when I made that post and have mentioned a couple of things. Just to recap...

1. I said I'll lessen my smoking. I did, kind of, but on the latter part of 2014 when I got sick so, mini check for that. 

2. Lessen time on Facebook and Twitter. I think I did well on this one. I go online everyday, sure, but it's mostly to message my friends and that's it. So, check!

3. To love myself more. One fat check. I love myself. With how shit went down this 2014, it's pretty obvious.

4. Smile. I am proud to say that it has become a habit of mine to smile at people I'm meeting, I am with and even to people I secretly want to punch square in the mouth. Smiling is so good.  

Yeah, I'm done with resolutions. Haha. 

I want to go in to 2015 blind but very much willing to take in moments that are really for me. Like I said, I want to challenge myself, see what I am capable of. I want to take in responsibilities that maybe I should have taken long before. If I'm not strong enough, I want a moment where I can be stronger. Both in the mind and in the heart. I want moments to show how thoughtful I am now and moments to show me how much I can feel. I want moments. And I will create moments because there's no such thing as a life that's better than mine, so I must swim against the tide. 

Maraming salamat, 2014! You were wonderful!

Let's get it on, 2015!

'13 Going On '14

Thanks to Instagram I can easily look back at what went down this 2013. Photos are for looking back at moments we were congested with feelings, may it be good or bad; moments we'll never get back.

2013 was a huge deal to my family. I got to see my Tita Arlene again after almost 11 years and there's my lola at Ilocos who dropped by and I haven't seen her in years, too. It's amazing how much we love someone even though we don't get to see and experience their warmth everyday. It's faith, I guess, knowing that they are there, makes the distance seem like nothing.
My brothers graduated from college this year. Yes, I am a proud Ate. It took them time to graduate but our family didn't mind. Having education is the only thing our parents can give us that won't be ripped off just as easily. So with that, they can take all the time they want. This is their time after all.
Papa won this year's barangay elections, too and we all worked hard to give him all the support he needs. My parentals just has this innate light in them to help people. I have witnessed yet again some people try to diminish that light but my parents are strong; helping others makes them who they are.

I was kind of lost on the friends part on the first months of 2013. I had a phase where I didn't know what to say to them so I just listened. But they emerged for me, everyone emerged for me, when I needed them the most. I am forever grateful of them and I wouldn't have gone through that sucky situation without them. This year tested how far we can go for each other and I'm proud to say that we have passed. We have given each other time and really, we all just need someone to be there. With friendship, you just have to be there and listen, and if you're lucky, they will ask you for what you think.
I was able to tell them things I can't tell to myself. I love the love they give me, they make me feel untouchable. We remind each other who we are. Friends are there to make you laugh and cry and realize who you really are.

I got to travel a lot this year, up top please as since last 2012, I promised to give some time to travel. I got to go to Caramoan last February and it was beautiful. I have experienced the Pahiyas Festival in Quezon with my High School friends and lastly, CDO, Lanao del Norte and Bukidnon with Ella, Vivi and Florie. I have always loved indulging myself in different cultures and seeing beautiful places one has to see, as this world is so big, as a human being, you can't just stay in your couch and watch TV. And I believe that being in a different place makes you discover things you don't even know about yourself.
I also got to go to a concert this year - The XX. It was a magical moment with Ella and I won't ever forget the music filling my ears and letting my body dance.
While I enjoyed going out, of course there are days where I preferred pajamas over people. It's just wasn't enough to fulfill my yearly 100 movies and 10 books. I'm sorry, self. I only got to watch 76 films and read 2 books. It's embarrassing. But GRMM's ASoS was way ass long and my HD for movies was busted for almost a month. I'll make it up this 2014, I promise.

Work was pretty swell for me this 2013. My 22-year-old self is currently giving me a high-five for sticking to a job for a year now. I've always wanted a stable job and I have it now. Some of my officemates were laid off and that sucked big time, especially since I was just getting used to them in my life, but you know, friendships just don't happen. You guys work on it and so far, we're doing pretty good. I don't remember who told me that having real friends at work is impossible but I'm proud to say that I have a small circle of friends and they make it less boring.

One can never go through life without a friend and I am beyond thankful that I have tons. Like, really, tons. To all of my friends, from the bottom of my heart, half-coated of nicotine lungs and always-craving-for-Macchiato tongue, thank you. Thank you for being up with me in the clouds and holding my hand when it's time to go down. I'm looking forward to more years with you guys. My love for you grows each and every time. I will never get tired of crazy moments with you. You make everything in my life colorful.

To my mains - Papa, Mama, Gian and Red (GAAAAAD I'M CRYING), thank you. Thank you for simply being you and loving Nikka. Everything I do and will do are all for you. Thank you for not seeing me differently even if I fuck up. We had a great year and life is so beautiful because of you guys. I love you.

To the new ones in my life, OMG, brace yourselves, we're gonna have one sweet and awesome ride! No seriously, thank you for accepting me for who I am. And I am more than grateful for you letting me in to your life. I'm still trying to figure things out and maybe you are too, so let's figure things out together. I cannot wait for this relationship to grow and I want you to know that you've got a friend in me.

For those who came and left, thank you. Still. Life's a constant motion of change. It's sad that with that change, we don't understand things between us anymore but the universe conspired for us to meet. That has to mean something. Now, maybe it's just through. We're not sure exactly why and what for but it will all come together. I believe in that. And I'm glad I had you once in this lifetime. I'm sorry if ever I hurt you. I want you to be happy, so happy, even in the parts of your life that I will probably never see.

2013 has been nice to me. Thinking about the things that I did, the things that I now aim for, people did for me, the way I think, and the people around me, makes me sigh, smile and realize that this is the life I've always wanted. This is the life that people get jealous of. I got my family and friends. Pretty solid. I grow every year and I am blessed. The latter part of the year wasn't exactly good but I take full responsibility of that. My life's good, I mean, I couldn't ask for more. But I did and that's why shit hit the fan. I kept on hurting myself, asking and looking for things not meant for me. I know it's completely okay to desire but too much can kill you. I'm a person who's never content and I don't intend to be just okay with what I have, but really, you have to want the right things. I don't particularly know how to distinguish those things but you'll feel it, you know. I have experienced the power of human instinct this year - you'll feel it if it's for you. People get hurt because they don't know their place. I was hurt because I didn't know mine, but I now do. A friend told me once that I get angry easily but I'm slowly proving otherwise, I think. I'm learning how to control myself. I'm learning how to let go gracefully the things that aren't for me.

Randy and I roll our eyes when we hear people talk about resolutions. We're negative like that. I don't do resolutions because I'm pretty secure of who I am. Well, still needs some minor touch ups. I'm not a future-thinking person but maybe it's time - let go of the past, live the moment and think about the future. Well, once in a while.
So as for resolutions, fine - to lessen smoking and time on Facebook and Twitter. To love myself more; to realize that I may know how to handle pain but that doesn't mean I'd always let myself endure it. And to smile more. Not mentally-crazy-smile but you know - smile.

I'll be 25 years old this year. I know myself, I am living the life I have always wanted but I still don't know who I want to be. I think that's hard to even think about, but when I look at the people around me, I realize I want to be like them. The people you surround yourself with brings out the best in you.
I want to be like my parents, always willing to help other people and forgive every shit that brothers and I do. I want to be like my friends, always saying what needs to be said regardless of the situation, always willing to give time for the things that matter. I want to be a true friend. I want to be like the new people in my life, always seeing the good in every one. I want to be thoughtful. I want to be like the ones who left. I want to be brave enough to walk away from the things that no longer serves me and protects me.
I want to be all that. Not necessarily completely but I want to, at least, manifest those characters because I may be flawed but I want to be the best that I can be.
Lastly, I want to be happy. I want to be filled with good vibes. Don't get me wrong, I recognize bad shit but with bad shit you should just see it, feel it and eventually move on from it.
Life goes on anyway.

Happiness is a choice and I'm wishing for all of you to choose that. Always.

Maraming Salamat, 2013!
2014, I am ready for you, bitch!
Happy New Year, y'all!

"Oh, Nothing Much"

My social life died when Game of Thrones aired their 3rd season but I am not complaining. I have waited for this for a year. I'm such a huge fan it's basically all I can think and talk about. Episode 9 though (as with every season) is the shit. It was the Red Wedding and I flipped. Like literally flipped. I let myself go at our living room and cried in my bed. This show is way too much. But just like with every addict, I want and need more. Best thing to ever appear on TV. No shit. The last episode for this season is this Monday so after that, I don't know what I'm gonna do with my Mondays again. 

I still kinda miss my friends. "Kinda", yes, as I still feel like I don't have much to say to em if ever we get together again but I do miss em. I was able to see Carlo, Dani and Ella though, separately. It was nice talking to them and hearing updates but I don't know if they noticed that I'm struggling with my own story to share. I don't want them to feel like I don't give a shit with what they say because I do care. I just have nothing sensible to say, pretty much. I have nothing to say at all with everything recently. I'm getting pretty good at shrugging things off. 

Hannah, our friend who now resides in Abu Dhabi, came back for a visit. Those 20 days were hella fun. We were all over the place. I'm so happy I got to see her again. Yeah, we have Facebook and Twitter which we make use of ALL THE TIME for our shenanigans but nothing compares to having your friend across you, laughing and pulling your hair because of a joke. I'm quite sensitive about people leaving but with her coming back here made me realize that some things don't change after all. And finally, according to her, she has a picture of us together during this chapter of our lives.

While waiting for her plane back to Abu Dhabi, she called and thanked me for spending time with her. She was crying, saying that I had been there from the moment she was having her hair fixed on the first day to having dinner with her family that night. It wasn't like it wasn't a big deal but of course, I made time for her. That's what friends do. It was something that doesn't need to be said between friends but I'm glad we had that conversation.

L-R bottom: Didi, Ella, me and Randy

Top: Aika, Jess, Hannah and Fong

at Friday's.

Nothing much is happening. I let work consume me which is surprisingly okay. At least I have income, that's what I have in mind. I guess that's enough to, you know, help me get by. I'm not inspired to do things, I'm just drifting and letting myself be jealous of I-have-everything type of girls every night on IG. I'm not happy but I'm not sad either. I'm just here. 

I think I need a project.